the scars

 

raindrops2

I have been thinking about the power

the power of what it means to say I matter

that my body matters

that black and brown bodies matter

that we matter

 

I am scared and scarred

I keep thinking to myself,

what would it mean for me to get up and walk away?

what would it mean to me to listen to my own heart beat

and to realize I am numb and hurting 

and I need to get up and walk away?

 

I have failed myself

I have failed myself

 

I am scared and scarred,

hurting ten times over

Not sure why the world always let me down

 

I am ashamed

ashamed of not being able to say

“fuck this shit, I love myself too much for this bullshit”

 

I am ashamed and the scars are not going to heal anytime soon

because I can not stop thinking,

I can not stop thinking that I too must mean something

 

I am scared that the concept of self love is a theory that I believe exists

but it is not meant for my body and that leaves a scar

 

I am scarred from the books I have to read in the name of being” educated”

and I am tired,

tired of having to prove that I am meant to be in spaces

when I am not meant to be

 

I am tired

tired of having to hold my tongue because

to speak would be considered disrespectful

 

I am tired

tired of when I stand up for myself

I am always seen as disrespectful

ungrateful

and always

misunderstood

always

 

I am tired

tired of when I stand up for myself

I am always seen as disrespectful

ungrateful

and always

misunderstood

always

 

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