still searching

i am tired

of protecting people from the poison

they unleash into the world

and call humanity

and

always  coming undone

broken

unable to sleep

confused as to why my mind is not at peace

reaching for sweets to take bitterness out of the world

 

i am ashamed that I consoled a man that could not hear

nor see the pain in the lines of a friend

and of my tongue carefully crafted with compassion and sadness

 

I am ashamed that I could not stand with a friend

a peer, as she bleed in front of me

and I could not hold her

 

I am ashamed

I am ashamed that I pushed my pain aside

and I am bleeding now into pages and am coming up thirsty

there are no word for this

there are none

all I know is that the world tastes empty and heartless

“so why is my hurt seen as an attack?”

 

my self-compassion is not an attack

my need to care for myself is not a boycott

it is me attempting to stand up for myself

to say no, i can not do this today

my heart is hurting

my mind is hurting

I am hurting..

I am hurting

My tongue is hurting

 

can nobody but the black curls see the pain in these sleepless eyes?

 

why am I always misunderstood

disrespected

silenced?

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